


Wishing To Be Erased

by IShipIt335



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, he gets better though, im sorry, thorin’s a a jerk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:21:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23911474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IShipIt335/pseuds/IShipIt335
Summary: The cheer and laughter fills the halls of Bag End, very much reflective of Bilbos smile, nonexistent. How many years had past since he lost his dear parents? He had lost count.A wandering wizard happens to pass by and recruits the hobbit on an adventure. What Bilbo didn’t expect was to find thirteen dwarves raiding his pantry.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Comments: 12
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heya. This is my first fan fiction so please don’t judge it too harshly. I would definitely love tips on how to improve my writing and whatnot, so please comment (dont bully me pls tho) and enjoy. Also I’m sorry if it’s cringy, I’m a sucker for angst.

In a smial, there lived a hobbit. That hobbit was Bilbo Baggins, and he was alone. Ever since his parents passed, grief had shook him to the core. No longer was he attending parties and visiting relatives. In his smial he stayed, dusk to dawn, only leaving for essential purposes.

Word had spread of the odd Hobbit. Some had pitied him for his loses, while some had found him mad. He soon found his close relatives had given up on their attempts to aid the Shireling. He didn’t blame them. But it still hurt him, more than he would like to admit.

Months pass, Drogo Baggins, Bilbo’s cousin, regularly visits and checks on his dear friend, occasionally bearing fruit or bread. He knows Bilbo hasn’t been eating. He knows Bilbo hasn’t been sleeping. But he thought he knew it all. It was just grief, it would pass soon. How mistaken he was.

”Bilbo?” Drogo knocks at the door. “Bilbo?” Again, no reply. 

  
He opens the door, “Bilbo! I know for a fact you are most certainly at home! I shall leave this basket with you. I will also be taking your spoons to give to Lobelia!” Drogo threatened.

No response.

Surely that should’ve worked. Lobelia was dreadful, Bilbo would’ve at least been somewhat upset. This was odd. He decided to take a look around to find his cousin.

Not in his bedroom, Drogo notes. The bathroom door is wide open so obviously not. He stands at the kitchen doorway, all the blood drained from him. There Bilbo was, laying unconscious in a pool of crimson.

* * *

Bilbo had blamed himself as the cause for his parent’s untimely death. Why could he not have been useful? He knew where they had grown, he knew where they were. Why could he not say it while his sickly mother lie on the brink of death? The markets were sold out, the disease plagued the Shire. 

  
Not soon after, his father had also fallen ill. It was only a matter of time before they were to die. This disease was fatal unless treated, and the only known treatment had sold out. Bilbo had left to recover the required herb for this medicine. Unfortunately, even the most obscure patches of this herb had been harvested. If only he had gotten them earlier, he feared his father would go out of his way to find the damned plant, even risk death in this frigid weather. He could not go either, for he was just a faunt, even less immune to the Fell Winter. 

He had blamed himself for years on end, labeled himself a murderer, keeping distance from his companions. Slowly succumbing to guilt and loneliness, he crawled into a deep disparity.

He was tired.

Writing a note, he addressed his farewells, leaving behind Bag End and all his belongings to his dear cousin, Drogo and his future family. He leaves the Sackville-Baggins nothing.

He feels the sharp pain of the cold metal tearing his skin. He drops the kitchen knife,giving in to his weak knees.

* * *

Ten years later, ever since the incident, Drogo had paid more frequent visits. The hobbits of the Shire had not turned a blind eye to the changes in the now sickly thin hobbit. “Mad Baggins” they called him, “I heard he’s gone mental, doesn’t even talk anymore.” “What hobbit doesn’t eat?” “Keep away children, he’ll curse you to live as he does.” 

Bilbo is well aware of the rumors, no matter how much Drogo tries to keep the insults out of his ear.

During the ten years since he was found in his kitchen, a knife and death note within reach, Drogo had made attempts at assisting Bilbo’s recovery. Soon, the Hobbit’s guilt began to extinguish, and Drogo’s company had aided him greatly. Occasionally, however, his mind had gotten the better of him, tearing scars down his forearms.

Years later, Bilbo sits on his front porch, smoking a pipe of Old Toby. A butterfly made of smoke flicks his nose. He stares up, attempting to find who it had come from.

He did not have to look long, for it was none other than a tall man in shabby grey clothing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A run in with a wizard leaves twelve dwarves raiding his pantry. This leaves the confused hobbit frazzled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so, I had no idea what happened but it marked this story as complete, and I assure you it is not.
> 
> Thanks for reading.

“Good morning” Bilbo politely addressed the man.

“What do you mean?” The tall man questioned. “Do you wish me a good morning; or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you  
feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?”

Bilbo sat stunned on his bench. He replied tentatively, “All of them at once I suppose...”  
“Can I help you?”

“That remains to be seen... I am looking for someone to share in an adventure.”

“An adventure? No, I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner!” The hobbit had begun to make his way to his door, attempting to avoid this deranged man. “Good morning.” One last time before he opened the door.

“To think that I should have lived to be "good morninged by Belladonna Took's son as if I were selling buttons at the door!”

“I beg your pardon?” How could this man have known his mother?

“You've changed, and not entirely for the better, Bilbo Baggins.” 

The man decided to introduce himself as Gandalf, bringing memories back to the hobbit.

“It is decided. I shall inform the others.”

The hobbit profusely disagreed, running back into his smial. 

* * *

*knock knock* 

Who could possibly be at his door this time? Perhaps it was Drogo or the mailman delivering some late mail.

“Dwalin, at your service.”

Bilbo stayed taken aback as a large, tattooed dwarf made his way into his house, asking where the food was. It suddenly dawned upon him. ‘ _Gandalf_.’ He thought with distain.

Another knock comes from the door as the Hobbit converses with the burly dwarf. “That’d be the door.”

“Balin, at your service.”

And soon more knocks and names arrive.

“Kili, Fili, at your service.”

More and more dwarves began flooding into his room.

Bilbo had a headache.

‘ _Blasted wizard had the nerve to come_!’

Dwarves were moving chairs, raiding his pantry, and using his mother’s fine pottery!

After the dwarves finished their feast, the youngest dwarf had politely questioned where to leave his used dish. Bilbo was stupefied. This was the most polite a dwarf has been this whole night. ‘ _Finally! Some manners_.’

His reply was cut off when Fili, he believed, addressed the dwarf. “Give it here Ori.”

And then they had the nerve to sing a song while threatening to break his mothers fine china!

How could this day be worse?

*knock knock*

‘ _Oh dear, I’ve jinxed himself.’_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo meets face-to-face with the leader of the company, Thorin Oakenshield. A contact is soon thrusted into his hand and he must decide whether to join in the journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! I had a bit of time on my hands today and finished earlier than I expected. Every bit of encouragement helps me update sooner! Thank you for reading.

“I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way twice.” A deep voice proclaimed.

When he had stared at the dwarf, he felt lightheaded. The dwarf was intimidating yes, that was it. He would not admit to anything more.

“Allow me to introduce the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield.” Gandalf spoke, lightly relieving the tension in the room.

“Tell me, Master Baggins. What is your weapon of choice? Axe or Sword.”

Bilbo wanted to laugh. He was confused of course, he remembered the days he felt worse. He left the imaginary warmth of the knife handle in his hand. “Does a knife count?” 

“Cooking does not count, halfling.” 

Did- oh. Of course Thorin would think the hobbit was incapable. The shorter man couldn’t even argue.

“He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.” 

“Is that an insult?” The hobbit half murmured, only barely loud enough for the company to hear.

“Indeed it is halfling.” Of course it was an insult. He was practically telling him he was unfit for the job!

Bilbo had not known why, but he felt the urge to apologize. Even if he did not desire to be known as a thief.

“Then I apologize for whatever I have done to deserve it.” Bilbo had genuinely spoke.

Was the halfling mocking him? Thorin sneered.

He didn’t dwell on it. The hobbit was none of his concern, as long as he posted no threat towards his company.

* * *

Discussions were held, mentioning a mountain, a dragon, and the need for a burglar. That, is where Bilbo comes in.

Reading the contract, Bilbo skimmed over the listed deaths. “Incineration?” 

“Oh aye, he’ll melt the flesh off your bones.” The hatted dwarf joked, attempting to lighten the hobbit’s mood. Of course, oblivious as ever, had not seen the dread growing on the hobbit’s face. “Flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You’re nothing more than a pile of ash!” 

He thought, any sensible hobbit would have panicked in some way. Then again, he was no longer a sensible hobbit. His reputation was already down the drain, his cousin can move on. Bilbo doubted Drogo would care to such an extent as to grieve the hobbit. He thought back to his old death note. Yes, that would work.

“I- Thank you for the encouragement. Uhh.”

“Bofur.” The draws grinned.

“Yes, my apologies Bofur. I will think about it while I set up the rooms. You all have a great journey ahead of you, might as well get a good night’s rest.” The dwarves agreed.

He made the guest rooms, tidying the sheets and wiping dust off his cabinets, for no hobbit had visited Bilbo in a long while, with the exception of Drogo.

“M-master Baggins? Do you require assistance?” The youngest dwarf, who Bilbo remembered as Ori, offered.

“My, you are a guest. I can handle this, no need to worry.”

“But I insist!”

“So do I!” Bofur insisted, standing by the doorway.

‘How funny, I can’t even be a proper host.’  
“Well if you insist.” Bilbo concluded.

The two friendlier dwarves and hobbit tidied up several rooms, about three dwarves were able to fit in a room.

Once the task was done, the dwarves joined their kin in the common room. Bilbo retired to his room, his head throbbing.

“Far over the Misty Mountains Cold.” The dwarves began to sing. Not a merry tune similar to ones played at hobbit festivals. No, this was wonderful.

Although the hobbit did not understand the story of their homeland, he felt the passion of the dwarves. 

Laying on his bed, he thought, perhaps...

His thoughts were interrupted with the stampeding of footsteps making their way to the guest rooms. 

A few minutes later, after the hobbit was sure they were all in their rooms, he left for the bathroom.

Shaking, he looked in the mirror. If he were to accompany them, they would most likely shun him, would they not? He was not their kin, he was not skilled, he would be a burden. But perhaps, he would fail Gandalf, his mother’s old friend. ‘Either way, whatever I do, I’ll be letting someone down.’ The hobbit’s wouldn’t want him here either. That’s right, it would be better to go. But what if someone dies because of his foolishness? He could not bear with it once more. 

He was hyperventilating by the time he caught himself.

Opening the cabinet, he picks up his pocket knife.

When the deed is done, he bandages his arms, and signs the contract, leaving it on the table. His will, he leaves in his office. Drogo will find it soon.

Packing his belongings, he looks at the pocket knife. Why not? He puts it in his pocket. Retiring to his armchair, he rests for a few hours.

* * *

“Master Boggins!” The brunette dwarf calls. One of the twins. ‘Was it Fili or Kili?’ He can’t recall. “It’s time to leave!”

“Yes, yes, coming!” As he picks up his pack, leaving his home. ‘Hopefully for good.’


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The company settle in a clearing. Little do they know, there will be three trolls nearby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I’m back (yes, ik it hasn’t been long) but here’s part 4, hope you enjoy.

“Give him a pony!” A gruff voice orders.

“Ah, no I’m quite alright, really! I’ve done my fair share of walking holidays!” ‘I wouldn’t want to rob them of their ponies-‘ his train of thought was cut off when he was grabbed and dropped atop a mare. 

The young horses trotted through the Shire. As they reached the woods on the Shire’s borders, “Achoo! My apologies, it’s the damn horse hair.” Reached in his pocket for a handkerchief. “Oh dear, seems I don’t have it on me.” 

A rag had landed in the hands of the hobbit. “Ere’ use this.” Bofur tosses back. ‘How kind of him, to be willing to rip a square of his clothing for me, a hobbit he’s known for a day.’ “Thank you Master Bofur, sorry for the trouble.” 

“None at all! We’re a company now!”

It sure didn’t feel like it, with the exception of Bofur and Ori. Then again, Kili and Fili were not as cold as the others as well.

* * *

Riding on for a few days, they reached a shabby, half-built wood house.

That is when Gandalf, stormed off, leaving a fuming Thorin. 

“Gandalf, where are you going?”

“To seek the company of the only one around here who's got any sense.”

“And who's that?”

“Myself, Mr. Baggins. I've had enough of Dwarves for one day.”

‘Did I do something wrong?’

The hobbit made his way to Bofur, who was sitting by his cousin Bombur. Bombur was making the stew for the company. Rabbit stew he believed. 

“Bilbo! You cook right? Wanna try the stew? My cousin here is a great chef!” Bofur reached out.

“Oh uhm yes.” Taking a sip of the stew, a sense familiarity came. “This is wonderful. Did you add rosemary?”

“Why yes I did! I was surprised you could pick it out!” Bombur exclaimed.

“Yes, it was one of my favorite herbs. My mother used to grow them in the garden...” A longing wiped any cheer in his face. 

“Oh and Bilbo, mind taking these two steps to the lads? They’re watching the horses.” Bomber asked.

“Of course.”

Bilbo stumbles upon a troubled looking pair of twins. “What’s the matter?”

“We're supposed to be looking after the ponies.” Kili stated.

“Only we’ve encountered a slight problem...” the blond continued.

“We had sixteen.” 

“Now there’s fourteen.” 

“We should tell Thorin.” Bilbo requested.

“Uhh, no. Let’s not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it.” Fili said.

Bilbo knew he couldn’t do this. “Well, this tree was uprooted by something big, but that’s obvious.” 

Three large ogre-ish creatures were sitting by a fire.

“What are they?” Bilbo questioned.

“Trolls.” Kili replied.

“We have to do something.” 

Next thing he knew, the poor hobbit was pushed past the bushes. ‘At least it’s me and not them.’

Bilbo sneaks around as the trolls argue over their less than appetizing supper. 

He makes his way silently to the horses. Patting his pockets, he feels for the knife. Fortunately, he has it. Cutting the rope, he had set the horses free. However, the ponies were louder than a hobbit, and the trolls looked back to the makeshift stable.

The horses ran too quickly for the trolls to catch, so that left the hobbit. 

As the trolls started to attempt to grab the hobbit, Bilbo was quick on his feet. Arguably, he had the situation under control for the most part. Inside, he was panicking.

What made it worse was when the dwarves kept our of the bushes. ‘No, they can’t die. Not because of me.’

The dwarves fought hard. However, inexperienced Bilbo Baggins has been caught.

“Lay down your arms, or well rip his off!” The troll threatened.

“Wait! Please! Don’t!” Bilbo protested.

Stubborn dwarves decided otherwise.

Next thing they knew, they were in large potato sacks and a few were tied to a spit.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo and the dwarves are captured and tied in potato sacks by a trio of trolls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long. There’s more important notes at the end of the story so please read it.

Bilbo and the dwarves shifted uncomfortably in their body-sized potato sacks. 

As the dwarves grumbled, the hobbit, as intelligent as he was, could not think of a way to escape this situation.

“-Or, we could squash them into jelly!” 

At that line, Bilbo began to panic, he was out of time.

“We haven’t got all day, sun’s almost up and I don’t fancy being turned into stone.” The cook of the trio argued.

Suddenly, a thought hit the halfling hard and fast as a brick.

“WAIT! Wait. You’re making a terrible mistake!” Bilbo exclaimed, hopping to the trolls.

“You can’t reason with them! They’re half-wits!” A dwarf shouted.

“Half-wits? What does that make us!” Bofur half-jokes.

“Uh, I meant with the- with, uhm, with the seasoning.” Bilbo stammered.

“What about the seasoning?” Inquired the cook, who Bilbo remembered the trolls referring to as Bert.

“You’re gonna need something stronger than sage to plate this lot up!” Bilbo visibly kept himself from shaking.

Behind him, he heard outraged cries. “Traitor” “we trusted you.” were all phrases said. Bilbo wilted a bit.

“What do you know about cooking dwarf?” The second troll eyed the smaller creature.

“Well, the secret to cooking dwarf is...” ‘Rosemary? No, too easy to find. I need to wait for the sun. What would take a long time?’ “TO SKIN THEM FIRST!” He winced, shouting out the answer before thinking ahead.

“Tom, get me filleting knife.”

The troll picks up the largest dwarf, Bombur.

“No! Not that one!” His palms started to sweat.

“He’s infected” he continued. “Yeah, he’s got worms, in his tubes.”

As soon as it was said, the troll drops the dwarf.

“T-they all have parasites! They’re infested. It’s a terrible business. I wouldn’t risk it.”

“Parasites! We don’t have parasites.” Kili shouted, the betrayal paining him.

The dwarves chime in, throwing insults at the hobbit, each one digging deeper than he’d like to admit. Suddenly, they all began to agree with the hobbit.

“What would you have us do then? Let them all go?” 

“Welllllll....”

“The ferret is taking us for fools!”

“-Ferret?”

“The dawn will take you all!” A hidden voice behind the trees sounded. Gandalf had split the boulder blocking the sunrise.

“Who’s that? Can we eat em too?” Were the last words of the three trolls as they turned to stone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, this chapter isn’t as long as I would like it to be. I may also take a longer time to upload than usual. My apologies.
> 
> (You can stop reading this note here if you like)  
>  You guys probably aren’t here to listen to my sob story but since I am quite sure none of you know me in person, I suppose I’ll sob to willing ears. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression a few months back. My mental state is not at it’s best at the moment. (I refuse to use it as an excuse, however it greatly affects my motivation for continuing this story. Also, I would occasionally collapse from panic attacks, making it difficult to catch up on responsibilities that I put before writing this story.) My therapist has not been responding to my calls, and meanwhile, my sibling and parents refuse to acknowledge mental illnesses as an issue. 
> 
> That is all I would like to disclose for now. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
